Crossing the Rubicon

(a Fantasy)

Many years ago I made an unfinished painting of myself, crossing the Rubicon.  I am standing up in a small rowboat.  A grizzly little old man is rowing.  I am wearing a long white unadorned Grecian gown.  I am looking toward the distant shore where I expect to see all of my loved ones who are gone.  Mother and Charlie, Daddy and Maria Teresa, Granny and Grandpa, Auntie Rita, Uncle Jack and Cousin John with his wife Sally.  Also, my Norwegian husband, Christian Bay, with his parents and sister.  And my dearest friends, Barbara, Carol, Laura, Martha, and many others.  I have my arms raised above my head to embrace them all.

I have already turned my back on the living; my husband André, my children, Eva and Jan with his family, my Polish stepdaughter Agnieszka and her husband Joseph and daughters, my adopted grandchildren, Harry and Sophia, and all of my living friends.  I am full of joy and expectation, waiting to hug all those loved ones on the other side of the Rubicon. 

I also wrote a fantasy, long ago about life on the other side.  I don’t know where it is, so I will rewrite it.

Life on the Other Side is like Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood.  All of my family and old friends are living close together. Uncle Jack invites me to take a little trip on his 40 foot cabin cruiser. (Long Island Sound is right there.)  I say, “Thank you!  Let’s go right now!”

Granny’s house at 192 Grayson Place, Teaneck, NJ is nearby.  I am so happy to see her again.  She says, “Shall I put ‘The Beautiful Blue Danube’ on the victrola so you can dance as you used to do?”  I say, “Yes!  Please do that,” and start waltzing around her small living room, barefoot, as I used to do.  I ask if she would like me to weed her little garden?  She says, “Yes.  Thank you.”  So I do that as I used to do when I visited her as a child, since she is too weak to bend over and weed it herself. 

Mother and Charlie are happy to see me, Auntie Rita and Uncle Jack and my Cousin John who is there with his wife, Sally.  Everyone is happy to see me and I am so happy to be there!

They arrange a big “Welcome Home” party for me.  A BIG party since I have many friends and loved ones on the other side.  I feel very happy.  I feel I have come home at last.  But how long will this euphoria last?  And then what?