A Baby in Berkeley

André and I had been married for two years, two very turbulent years, full of passion and antagonism.  He had to divorce his Polish wife in order to marry me. His Marital Guilt and Survivor’s Guilt caused frequent angry outbursts, which had a devastating effect on me.  We had neither time nor money for therapy, but he consistently refused that path even when I later offered to pay for it.

In spite of all that turmoil, we wanted to have a child.  We tried in vain for months.  Then I took the “Rabbit test” and became pregnant.  We were very happy about that.  When Dr. Hoag called up to tell me I was pregnant, it was one of the happiest days of my life.  I had an easy pregnancy.  The decision to have a child in spite of these unstable conditions was illogical, but I would do it again.  “Little Budgie” as we called her, was a ray of sunshine in our world-weary lives.  Knowing that the life of this little helpless creature depended on me, matured me and gave my life new meaning.  As she once said, she was “the fortunate recipient of unconditional love” from both of us.  

We later had a second  child, a boy called Jan.  In spite of all the difficulties and conflicts, we lived together as a family for many decades.  If André had lived a few months longer, we would have celebrated our 60th wedding anniversary.  In our last years together we attained a kind of contentment.  His last words to me were, “I love you now more than ever.”